Am I surprised? No, not really. Pretty much everyone knew it would eventually happen and a lot assumed it already had. Sadly, I think my dad predicted the exact situation. Some people were close, and I guess I had more hopeful theories.

How should I view this? The idea "openness," technically lends to itself that this is ok and a part of it. What about what was said prior? What about the circumstances? What about me? Is it now assumed that a "seal" has been broken and this will be more commonplace? Its probably a safe bet, but I can hope for otherwise. Does this change my view of the person? Had my view every really changed to begin with? Maybe it was only a hoped that the initial change had happened, but in reality nothing had. Maybe I was living in a dream world.

What should I do? In my opinion, I was hurt, betrayed, and a few parts of my will be dead for some time. The argument could be made that a willingness to share should be extended to all instances to everyone. Saddly, the overall effectiveness, satisfaction, and effort wouldn't be worth it. An inquiry of favors could be made, but my still remaining feelings inhibit that extreme. Dropping the entire source is the most logical option and endorsed by a fair number of people. However that is the same option constantly suggested by the same people before hand. While it does seem more valid now, what stopped me then, may stop me now. I'll admit that does cater to my more petite and darker side. Especially if the occasional reminder of what was sacrificed could be had. Honestly, it is tempting.

Realistically, you're a kid with daddy issues who had no example of a healthy relationship growing up. You want me to encourage you and be proud of the "progress" you've made, yet you're basically back where you stared before you left. Something you seem pretty content with.

Yes, I want a future with you. Yes,  I love the idea of kids and a house. But how the fuck do you expect me to act? I've been working myself to the point of breaking and will continue doing so until I graduate or longer. Your idea of a productive day seems to be my idea of a break.


I really don't know where to go from here. If I had more time, maybe I'd could go to a party and fuck some random person I just met while being sober. Would that fix the problem? No, but it would hurt you. To be honest maybe that's exactly what I want to do at this point. Maybe its my turn to do the hurting, instead of always being hurt. I was always your verbal and emotional punching bag, and I always took it because I loved you and, for the most part, knew you didn't mean it. But I'm getting tired of being hurt. Tired of being disappointed. Tired of loosing my respect for you.

Its really your move, kid. The venting helped, but I'll probably be bitter for a while. I acknowledge that in giving you my heart, there was the accepted chance of knives and twisting. I still do and always will love you, but love alone doesn't make things happen

A friend had asked a question that would should probably be answer on here. Why? Why am I saying this and why am I still trying toward an end with her?

Because of what I remember. I remember the what it was like with her around and how I felt. I remember that I was able to laugh about things, say things, and talk about things I have never been able to with anyone else. I remember being under the stars with her and thinking that they were nothing in comparison. I remember the fuzzy feelings I had and still get when I talk to her. I remember the other feelings when we talked about a future together and how I actually considered it a positive and desired thing.

That is why I'm willing to say what I have and put forth so much effort. I love her

Now I'm off to kill the person laughing as I type this...

I really don't do this a lot, but I just need to vent a bit and maybe it will explain a few things. I used to be a pretty happy, content guy that was easily please. Even now, my definition of a "good day" really shouldn't be seen as extreme by anyone's standards. I define this as any day that I don't shit blood and am not kept awake by dreams of the girl I'm in love with fucking someone else and telling him that she "loves him." See, really not that bad of a request from my days.
There's been about one or two good days a week lately. The prior of the two will be explained within a month and a solution will be had or at least I'll be able to come to terms with things. The later is enforced on the good days by talks of the future followed by reminders of why I'm probably having the dreams to begin with. Maybe I'm hoping for too much...maybe I should just take the advice of friends...I don't know really. I've never been particularly good at understanding why I feel the way I do about the illogical, but I feel what I feel.
I do still have good moments: times I can forget about everything else and just enjoy the people and things around me. I'm quite glad I have the type of friends that I do and that they put up with my moods.
I'm sure it will all work out...it always does. I just hope it works out in a way that those plans do come through. I like puppies ^^